BLOG Virgin Alert

Where to start and what to write, honestly I have never even read one of these blog things before but there are some people out there that think my life is something worth writing about. Even if you don‘t find it interesting, you will at least be able to get a good laugh out of me and my common theme of making an ass of myself on a regular basis. I use to get embarrassed about people laughing at me, but now I encourage it and will make an ass out of myself on purpose. I love making people laugh and fortunate for me I have an extremely sick sense of humor.
I am 26 years old, feel like I’m 40, look like I’m 20 (or 30, depending on the person looking at me) and have traveled to world more than most 60 yr olds. I have attended 3 different colleges, played woman’s pro-football for a year, and most recently just got done serving 4 years in the US Air Force where I flew around the world.
I have never been married but I have seen my dad get divorced 3 times so as you can imagine it is really kind of a scary thought for me. I am very opinionated but very open minded at the same time. Some say I am wise beyond my years, I say I am really good with BS. Honestly though, I tend to be the one my friends run to for advice and even though I may not have been in their particular situation, I do have a way to turn things around and look at them from another perspective. Sometimes I even end up giving relationship advice to couples, I wish I could tolerate 8+ years of school so I could be a real doctor but truth be told I can be lazy and I just plain HATE school.
I work full time for a loan company and go to school full time online so I stay pretty busy, but I can’t wait until I finish my BA degree so I never have to take another class again. Oh well I guess I shouldn’t complain, with the G.I. Bill paying my way I should consider myself lucky.
I write poetry but not what most people would expect. I like to rhyme and make jokes, I leaf the sap for the trees. (I know that was a stretch but whatever, it’s my blog!) Here is a little example of stuff I write and send to my friends, this one happens to be for my friend Ray and her parents dog (Emily) that came to stay At Ray’s house for a week.

The rents went away, and stuck you with the dog
She can be really sweet, or a total bed hog

Seven days, that's 6 days too long
If Emily doesn't leave soon, you will have to hit the bong

She whines all day, what's a girl to do
Maybe she's just hungry, or has to take a poo.

Once Kath gets back, you will be free
Of that sweet little shit, named Emily

She's not a bad dog, just a pain in the butt
But what do you expect, she's just a mangy mutt

A Boxer Bloodhound mix, every lesbian's dream
Put the names together and you will see what I mean

A box-hound, look there, who would have thought
That explains why, she sniffs girls a lot

Ok, now this whole thing is just getting sick
But it's not my fault, she doesn't like dick

I bet Heath and her, get along great
2 lesbians in the same house, it must have been fate

It's time for me to go, I'm running out of flow
This poem is getting lame, and there is only me to blame

Lata Lata, I must be rollin out
I'll write more later, that I have no doubt


Well there is a little example of my stellar poetry, I hope you enjoy it, there is more where that came from and it is actually what inspired me to even consider writing this blog thing. I can write a poem in a flash and have been known to use the bar napkins, but I usually just sit and write them during my down time at work. Sometimes if the office needs a good laugh I will just pick a topic and go with it. Apparently I thought it would be fun to write about telling your kids about the “Birds and the Bees”.


Being a parent, can sure be tough,
Especially when they start, asking about the muff

What's do you do, what do you say
Can't it wait 10 years, or at least until May

Where do you start, where do you begin
This will be little easier, if you have a swig of gin

The birds and the bees, that's what your parents said
But if you catch the “bird flue” you may wind up dead.

Now all this talk about animals, may seem a bit confusing
Let me try again, this time making it amusing

No more birds, and no more bees
I wish I could explain this, talking about trees

I guess I can, I guess I could
Here it goes, were gonna talk about wood

It can start a fire, it can start a flame
But you don't want to show yours, to just any dame

In case you are lost, I will give you a hint
This isn't the same kind of wood, you start with a flint

I see you're lost, you have that look in your eye
I was talking about the wood, you have behind your fly

It maybe small now, but you just wait
There's a good chance it will grow, on your first date

Don't be scared, I know what to do
Tell your date you're ill, and have a touch of the flu

Get home quick, and you won't get sick
Don't take off your pants, or do the horizontal dance

All these analogies, are getting a little old
I'm gonna try something different, and just be bold

Boys have a penis, and it gets firm
When they get excited, they will shoot out sperm

Girls have a vagina, it may smell a little
They have three holes below, one to poop bleed and piddle

Enough about that, I need another drink
Talking about this, is really starting to stink

Remember the hole, I said was made to bleed
It happens to be the same hole, you will plant your little seed

Nine months later, you may have made a little life
But you better make sure, the mom is your wife

If you have sex, before you have a ring
Even with protection, you can still catch THE THING

The THING I speak of, isn't very nice
You will have to cure it with penicillin and ice

Sexually transmitted disease, that's its name
It will make you sick, and may take you out of the game

Now you see why, it's important to me
I don't want you to catch a horrible STD

So go out, and have some fun
As long as you make sure, the deed isn't done

That's my lesson, for the day
Don't forget the consequences, of rolling in the hay.


Needless to say, no one from work has asked me to talk to their kids yet. WEIRD. So there it is, a little about me, no worries there is plenty more where this all came from. I haven’t even gotten to the good stuff yet.